Too Many Things, So Little Quiet

(This is an old picture, by the way)

I cried for the first time in a few years last night. 

My medications I take stop me from shedding tears as a side effect so I can't ever let it out when I need to. But last night I cried very hard and it was needed and worth it. 

I have adult ADHD and it didn't come on until I was older. With my other mental health issues, I thought not being able to slow down was a part of other things. But something was different than it had been and I couldn't shut my mind off nor could I just STOP. 

 People are always saying "you do so many things!" and I want to tell everyone: "I can't help it and I don't know why."

Last night everything came to a head. It wasn't a manic episode or what I call my "breakdowns," it just felt different. There was just so much noise around me and so many people. I couldn't seem to ever be alone and I couldn't rest or relax. I am also very irritable with people recently. I seem to get angry easier and I'm so confused because that's not me. I went to a concert the other night where I was pretty much standing in front row. With the amount of people pushing me and having no space to breathe, I was so afraid I was going to have a panic attack. But I didn't. I just wanted to scream out of anger with these drunk people around me and that's not me.

I looked it up last night why I was going downhill. 

"Overstimulation" popped up. 

I've heard of that phrase before but I always thought it was for people with autism. But ADHD people can suffer from it, too, and I was shocked. It's pretty much sensory overload, when too many things happen at once. I didn't fit some things on the list but I did see myself with some of the checklist. 

Hyperactivity. Overly intense response to stimuli. Agitation. 

All me these days. I thought it was hormonal, but it was happening before and after my time of the month. When I saw that word on Google last night, it clicked a little bit. Then I cried. It was yet another mental obstacle in my life. I usually don't want anyone to see me or touch me when I cry, but I went to my mom because for the first time, I wanted to be comforted. 

ALL THESE NEW THINGS! 

When my tears on my face, I went on Pinterest to look up tips on how to calm my brain. I have shocked therapists in the past because I have learned so much about myself in my 29 years. Many people never do, but this a night where I learned what I need to do to be my best self again. I spent a few hours making a list about myself and my current needs and what I learned in a short amount of time.

I want to share some below from my list. Maybe it'll spark some connection between us or maybe it'll show you something new to add to your life!

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1) Smells.  Many people with hypersensitivity can't stand strong smells. I, on the other hand, must have smells for some reason. I love candles in general but I have been burning them like crazy now. I think there's a connection of calmness and soothing candles for me. I have to light one when I do school from home and when I go to bed. There's a candle I lit in the living room right now and I'm the only one in the house right now. It's just something I have attached myself to. 

2) Leaving the house. I have a rule that after 3 days at home, I have to go somewhere. Whether it be a Starbucks or a library, I have to get out. But with my classes being remote this semester, I stay in my house and I go to work. That's pretty much it. I realized that I've not followed my 3 day rule and it's definitely taking a toll on all of this. I need to start going out during the day when I can, even if it's just getting lunch by myself or sitting by my favorite town dam.

3) Declutter. This is cliche but when I was in the deep throes of my depression, I welcomed a messy bedroom. Now, my anxiety is turned up when my small bedroom floor is crowded. I can barely stay in it for long before my breathing becomes heavier. I need to do some upcoming spring cleaning and get rid of clothes and items that I don't use. I want to enjoy a safe space, not become detached from it. 

4) Dressing up. I have been wearing sweatpants and t-shirts for 2 months straight because I barely leave home and no one on my Zoom classes can see my pants. I took a hot shower today to relax and put on a fuzzy sweater I never wear. I did my skincare, brushed my teeth, and decorated my hair with 2 butterfly clips. I feel wonderful, even if I only have one class today online. I think when I start to become less of a recluse, I will have a "NO SWEATPANTS" rule when I go out. It'll make my brain feel better. 

5) Quiet time. Like I said, I am always surrounded by people. At my house and especially at work (so many people there!) I don't get time to myself EVER. So I impulsively booked a 2 night stay at a local hotel this weekend for my very own "quiet time." I will not be doing school work, reading books that I'm forced to, and letting myself relax (for 2 days only, though.) I will instead be writing for fun, reading books that I want to read, and maybe watch a movie! I'M WILD AND CRAZY, YA'LL! 

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I have more things I wrote down but I don't want to ramble on here. Reschedule plans that don't fit in your life right now, avoid big crowds when you can, and catch your irritability before it turns into full anger. 

Most importantly, take time for yourself. 

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Harry's House is Currently Having a Great Time in Chicago

I want to start this post with I am far from a cool influencer and I am not receiving payment for this post. I genuinely loved my experience and I also genuinely have no money left over after having the best time ever (it was worth it.)

I scrolling through Facebook one day and saw that NBC News posted that there was going to be a Harry Styles mini pop up in Chicago.

Now, I'm not saying I deserve anything in this world, but Harry DID cancel on my Chicago concert date and I DIDN'T get to attend the "make up" day, so...I felt like I needed to go to this pop up.

I asked my friend Sol who I knew was a fellow Harry fan (his fans are usually called Harries and honestly, I don't vibe with it, so I'm just going to keep saying "Harry fan") but we took an almost 2 hour train ride and 2 Ubers to get to the bar that it was being held at, Replay Lincoln Park. I have to put in here that I am from the northwest suburbs of Chicago so this was a trek for me but it may not be for you!

We pulled up to Replay Lincoln Park in the Uber and this is what I felt like:

There was a Harry banner the exact moment you walk in the door and you just FEEL like you fit in already.

Welcome to Harry's House

We got there around 6:30 pm and it was a great time to go as it wasn't as crowded. Sol and I cozied up to the bar where the bartender with long hair looked like 2015 Harry but with a beard. He probably received that comparison all night but honestly, it went with the aesthetic (he was also super nice to everyone, which is a sure sign the night was going to go well.)

I ordered a Watermelon Sugar cocktail and As it Was shots. The shots came in a pair and Sol wasn't ready to take any shots, so my friends, I took those 2 shots for myself. They were DELICIOUS. Heads up, most of the drinks on the special Harry menu are sweet, so look carefully if you aren't a fan of sweet alcohol drinks!

Harry's House Cocktail Menu

As it Was shots

Replay Lincoln Park is a special bar in the crazy way that it has ARCADE GAMES!! In between taking pictures, we played pinball and Skeeball. It was a blast. Shoutout to the girl who played pinball at the Ghostbusters machine next to my Batman one and told me her friend's boyfriend went to the Harry concert and wore Harry merch. Miss that girl. 

I do need to say that certain games cost a dollar or 2 BUT most of them are free! Just please consider that when you buy drinks, you're paying for the machines too with that money (which makes sense.)

Sol and I went around taking pictures of the themed décor and had a fun time with the cutouts. Sorry to the shirtless Harry cutout that I knocked down with my drink. He was fine and had no injuries.

As the night progressed, I learned my favorite drink was Cherry. The actual cherry fruit they put in the bottom of the glasses weren't maraschino but they didn't have pits. I was thriving on how good they were. I didn't love the Kiwi drink FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE that it has kiwi seeds swimming around. I'm a texture person and seeds are my enemy. Sol loved it though!

There was a woman there that was getting married soon and her group of friends were from Milwaukee! The ones I met were super nice and the future bride was so fun. She literally gave me a Ring Pop as a thank you for taking a group picture of them. Loved it. I'm posting a picture of her cute little veil and sunglasses in hopes she sees that I wish her all the best! 

Of course, Harry Styles music played overhead. But then around 9 pm, One Direction songs were mixed in and that was the coolest thing ever (says me.) Harry videos played on loop on each TV that was displayed and each time Sol looked at TV, she sighed and went "I just...love that man."

Harry on the bar TVs

As expected, the night went on and it got more and more crowded. There are only 2 places to sit and that is at cute picnic tables, but a birthday party took up a whole one that night, so we crammed into the other table. We were lucky getting that seat! We left around 10:30 pm and headed back to the train with low phone batteries but full hearts.

I'll be attending Harry Styles Psycho Bingo at Replay THIS Wednesday, November 16th! I'll be writing another blog post about it and taking pictures for Meganhubrex.com! I hope to write a journalism article for my writing portfolio from this, too, so if you are attending, DM me at @MeganHubrex on Instagram and I'd love to get some fun quotes and pictures!

Here's the link to Harry Bingo

Thank you to Replay Lincoln Park for putting on this AMAZING Harry event for fans!

The Harry Styles Mini Pop-Up HAS BEEN EXTENDED! Here's the new deets:


When:

 Now until November 19th at 9 P.M.

Opens each night at 5 P.M. until 2 A.M.


Link for more info

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Cup of Cheer Cards 2022

 Hello friends! 

I know it's the beginning of September hey THE HOLIDAYS ARE NEAR! I mean, Halloween is next month then 2 months after that...it's Christmas/Hanukah/every other wonderful holiday. With me being in college again, I feel like my personal time has dwindled down to a very small amount, so I'm starting this project SUPER early to make sure it gets done good and proper!

If you're new here, last year I started an organization called Cup of Cheer Cards, or Cup of Cheer for short. This is in  no way something that I have an LLC for or even a website for. It's not something you can Google because I made it up. 

So what is Cup of Cheer anyway?

It's where holiday cards from all over the US get delivered to my house, I organize them, I attach a very loving letter that I wrote to each card, then when they're all set and ready, I hand them out to the senior living residents at my job during December. 

These people are the light in my heart. When I did this last year, the amount of lit up eyes and "I can't believe this, thank you" spoken was truly awe-inspiring. Some of these residents have no family and these cards are a way to show them how much they mean to people. Some residents DO have families and still, these holiday cards make an impact. 

I had a ton of people help last year and this year, if we have even more people, I would love to give 2 cards out to each resident! Each person will receive 2 cards from different people and if there is left over cards, I'll be reaching out to give them to other communities! 

My goal is 290 cards (or more!)  Last year we had at least 210, so tell your friends and everyone in between to see if they want to help reach the goal!

For those who are like "wow, you're job goes all out", stop right there. This is a Megan thing ONLY. My job is in no way affiliated with Cup of Cheer (I feel like I have to put that out there!)

If you would like to participate in making or sending cards this year, here's some things you need to know (and what I have learned from last year):

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1) You MUST fill out the cards. Please no blank cards. You can fill out a note, a message, or just your name and where you're from, but it MUST be filled out!

2) Do not seal the envelopes (if the cards come with some!) I won't be reading them, but I need to slip in my holiday letter.

2) VERY IMPORTANT!! These are words you CANNOT USE: Christmas (any holiday by name), any religion, or God
Words you CAN use: Holiday, snow, trees, plain winter words. 
(With this one, I know younger kids can't help themselves. This is my work's rule, not mine, but if they slip up, no worries!)

3) How to sign your name: 
To: My friend (or something of the sort. You will not be given a name)
From: Your name and where you're from (i.e. Megan from Illinois)

4) Please no trinkets or gifts, just cards.

5) You can get cards from Amazon, the dollar store, mainly any retailer out there when it's closer to the holidays. Or you can make your own! If you make your own, don't worry about putting them in envelopes!

6) How to get them to me, Megan:
If you have my address already, please address the main send item, whether it be a box of cards, a package of card, an envelope of them, ect:

Cup of Cheer Cards

Please DO NOT PUT MY NAME! If you do, I will open it thinking it's a personal card and it'll get confusing (LOL)

If you don't have my address, please email me at:

Mhubrex@gmail.com

When sending your email, please including your NAME and where you're FROM (just so I know you're legit)

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Please have your card sent to me by DECEMBER 9TH, 2022

If there are cards coming afterwards, there is a big chance that I can't use them. 

Have fun with this, fill this card with love and kindness, and just know there are people out there who appreciate you.

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Pushing 30 (My Annual Birthday Post)

 It's that time of year again. The time I wait 365 days for (which is a lot, but also goes by very fast).

If you're new to this blog, hi, hello, welcome to my ramblings and adventures that I dare put into the 'lifestyle' category because I'm bad at buckling down with a niche. 

If you're a current reader of the Megan Hubrex blog already, you might have seen these type of posts, because I write one every year. You can always look up the June/July section of this blog for past birthday posts, but I think last year's was pretty short. I was about 2 months into my new job, I was about to go back to college after 8 years away, and I had brown and red hair. 

Wild. 

This year is a little different. A little more comfortable and a lot more meaningful. 

I always tell the story about how my mental health years ago stopped me from ever wanting to grow older. After 21 years old, I would be gone forever. I tried and tried and inflicted pain on myself, mentally and physically. Around 24 years old, after years of suffering, I found the right medicine for me.

Then, I suddenly loved birthdays. 

A whole day to say "HEY WORLD! I'M STILL HERE AND I'M GOING TO ENJOY IT!" A day to shower myself in the love I have always deserved. 

I'm a giver. I give until my money runs dry and my heart squeezes a little too hard. But on my birthday...everything is switched. And I would be lying if I didn't say it felt nice to be loved a little extra on that day. 

My birthday signifies my struggle, but not really in a bad way. It's a day that gives me hope that I'm here to see the next one. 

29 is going to be the best yet! Even though the year is already halfway done!

P.s. For everyone who is like "what do you want for your birthday? What do you like?" 
I like books, coffee, flowers, and Harry Styles. 

That's pretty much it. 

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The Queen's Ball: A Bridgerton Experience

 

    

Greetings from the Ton

Err...I mean hello from Chicago. 

Lady Whistledown said: "It doesn't matter where you are, as long as one has fun."

(She never said that)

If you're not a watcher of Bridgerton, please enjoy these pretty pictures I took at a very fun event. 

But if you ARE a Bridgerton fan, you're in for a TREAT.

Let's start with my friend Mavis sending me a Tik Tok of a ball that was Bridgerton themed. I was SHOOK. She told me there was one coming to Chicago and I Googled it so fast.

I found this link: X

Then I saw that General Admission was $56 for a 90 minute show. UHHH NO THANKS. 

Then we insert my friend Faiza in here. Faiza and I are good friends and she knew that I wanted to go to this ball so bad. SO SHE BOUGHT ME TICKETS AS A GIFT. Her and I were set to go to the Queen's Ball on May 11th, 2022. 

I was stressing out about buying a dress and jewelry and long gloves. I talked myself out of buying an $80 dress on Amazon because I needed to use common sense: I will most likely never wear that dress again. I found a Nasty Gal dress in my closet and turned it into an afternoon tea time dress, fit for Miss Bridgerton. I did buy long white gloves on Amazon and a white ribbon and it really added to the dress. I already had a string of tacky pearls and I shortened it into a necklace. 

So very 1813

Faiza picked me up at 7 pm as the Bridgerton Ball started at 9 pm. The parking was SUPER close to the building. If you pay for Valet parking and you're capable of walking 1 minute to and from the building, you're wasting $25. 

They also only take card for parking unless you have exactly $15 (or $25 for Valet). It's very card based inside too. I wouldn't bring cash unless you want to leave a cash tip for the bartenders. 

Faiza and I took some pre-pictures in the parking lot as we were about 45 minutes early. The email they send you says they'll let you in 30 minutes early. THEY LIE. They let you in 15 minutes early. 

We waited as one of the first people there and we got to see the queen's guests all come line up AKA our fellow Ball go-ers. Some wore plain dresses from Target, some wore prom dresses. I was afraid my dress was too plain, but I felt really good in it. It doesn't matter what you wear to this; you're there to have fun. 

We were let inside and you see this little board first:

You scan your ticket OR they can look up your name if you have a hard time finding your ticket on your phone.

The first thing you see is a coat check (it was 90 in Chicago that day...) then you see a hall full of hanging twinkling lights. Me and Faiza took a quick selfie. 

In that hall are 2 merch stands and a picture taking spot. I HIGHLY suggest not buying merch in the main room and to wait until you leave to do so. The stands in the hall will be there when you go and you won't have to hold merch the whole time. 

The hall you wait in to go into the main area (the twinkling lights hall) had our first photo op of the night. 

You will have a ton of photo opportunities, so prepare those poses and smiles! Save your mega watt for the Queen, though ;) You'll have to bow a lot and I was told your right foot goes in front of your left foot. That could be 100% incorrect, but I did it all night. 

We  finally got let into the main room through a tunnel of purple Wisteria flowers, hanging from the ceiling. I got a quick video of it, but not a great one because they usher you fast inside the main room. 

When you enter, you get a Lady Whistledown paper. 

BIG HINT: If you want something to do, there is a game with clues on the back of Society Papers. It's circled in black!

From there, you can take so many pictures before the queen arrives. 

The picture at the beginning of this post was so much fun. You sit on a stool, take your picture, you get led to a touchscreen easel, sign your name and then a QR Code pops up for you to download it to your phone. 

I'm a little bitter that I forgot to take my glasses off for it, but oh well! 

Then you can sit on the Queen's throne (Faiza has that picture somewhere...), go take a picture in the "rain" AKA hanging crystals, and take some selfies in the cute mirrors.

There's also 2 bars in the big room. The alcoholic drinks? $16!!! And more if you give a tip!!! They definitely don't stiff you with the alcohol in it (I got a Birds of a Featherington with gin) but save your money.It's a small glass (it does look big in the picture below. It's just the angle.)  A sprite costs $6. A glass bottle of water also costs $6 and that bottle is BIG. The water is worth the 6 bucks, 

There's also a merch stand IN the room, but like I said, save it for the hallway when you leave. 

They also have costumes from the cast. I love a good Penelope. She's a plus size icon AND a writer. No one knew if these were actually used in the show, but it was still neat!

Then you hear music. Violins are playing Ariana Grande. The cast members in white wigs line up at the red curtains. Then....

OUT COMES THE QUEEN!! 

She walks the red carpet up to her seated throne. It's so much fun to see the elegance they made this woman have. People will start getting picked by ladies in wigs and men in top hats to go bow to the queen. The announcer is backstage and sees everyone bow to the queen and makes cute remarks like "what a wonderful bow" and "the perfect hand twirl." 

Then I went up unescorted, by myself. I was smiling so wide. I bowed, waited for the announcer remark, and...

IT WAS DEAD SILENT. I GOT CRICKETS.

I laughed about it but younger Megan would have been so hurt. I went up a second time with a girl I met there and all be it, I was the only person the announcer STILL didn't say anything about!! (LOL)

Then, when the queen left, we went into the next room (which I didn't know they had!). THE BALLROOM! 

We all gathered at the side of a checkered dance floor and watched a really fun dance performance. One girl was dressed (and looked like!) Daphne from Season 1 and another guy looked like The Duke. 

But you'll never guess who Daphne asked to dance before she danced with the Duke. 

ME

That's right, the announcer can laugh at THAT! Maria (the Daphne lookalike) took my gloved hand an pulled me on the dance floor. I acted very un-1800s. I followed her waltz very badly and we talked a bit. I told her I was so nervous and then when she goes "should I dance with that man over there?" meaning her co-character, The Duke, I literally said to her "yes! I dare you."


Girl.... WHAT

She was trying to stay in character but I heard her chuckle. Then the performers did a beautiful and intimate dance. It was so cute to watch.

Then it was our turn to dance! I did NOT keep up as it is super fast but I couldn't stop laughing and smiling. Even the people next to us were having a blast. Then, once again, I got pulled up on the stage and the middle to dance with a performer! I shook my shoulders and dropped it as low as I could. It was awesome. I was so out of my comfort zone, but that was a good thing!

The Queen came out, picked her Diamond of the Ball (a drag queen who looked SPECTACULAR) and then it was done. All of a sudden, Single Ladies by Beyonce started playing and all the guests started shaking their booty's on the dance floor! They played some more recent songs to dance to, but Faiza and I were too hot and decided to leave.

We bought our merch on the way out (I bought a tumbler and a tote bag). Merch is obviously expensive, so keep that in mind, too. 

After leaving, I put my hair up and we found a cute Boba place to get a late night snack on our drive home.

That was it. The end. 

Was it worth the $56?

YES. 100 times over, YES.

I do have to say, save your money: don't buy VIP. The "seating area" isn't even used because we're all dancing. All the real difference is the glass of champagne you get. 

It's also SUPER hot in there, so wear setting spray on top of your makeup! We didn't even have that big of a crowd, but I was dripping sweat because the lack of AC. 

During this Queen's Ball, I was smiling the whole 90 minutes. I had a blast and it was so worth the experience. 

I made a SUPER quick Tik Tok but it shows us having fun:


TIK TOK LINK 

GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE AND HAVE A 'BALL'!

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My Spring and Summer Bucket List 2022

 We all have a bucket list (or is that just me...?) Mine are more extravagant, like "visit London" or "perform a stand up comedy show". But do these lists need to be so extra? OF COURSE NOT! So that's why I'm creating my own mini bucket list for this spring and summer of 2022. Just fun things I want to do or accomplish, really. 

Let me tell you my seasonal bucket list!

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1) Have more picnics

I made my own picnic basket (picnic box?) from an old One Direction record player that never worked for me. I, of course, could never let it go, so I upcycled it! I ripped apart the inside of it and glued some lace I had into it. It's super cute and I'm pretty proud of myself but...I'VE NEVER USED IT! I love a good picnic and I would love to pack a lunch and go somewhere in nature. So, if you live by me and would like to go on a picnic with me, I got you ;)

2) Attend Summerfest

Yeah, this one costs a bit of money. 

$25 for general admission and $25 for parking (yikes). They also seem to be selling tickets to get closer to the stages and that really defeats the purpose of us waiting hours at a certain stage to get as close as possible. Not cool, Summerfest. I'm too broke for those closer tickets. 

If you don't know what Summerfest is, it's a music festival in Milwaukee, Wisconsin during the end of June into the beginning of July. The Summerfest grounds are one big strip of land, so you just really can't get lost (which I totally would, too). It's situated on Lake Michigan and there are a ton of benches to eat at and look at the lake. They have 11 stages for general admission tickets and a TON of music artists to see. I love walking the grounds and getting food and hearing live music playing. There's always one artist that I usually go for specially. One year it was Yungblud, one year it was Kesha, and this year it's Charli XCX. I always make sure that they're NOT playing the Amphitheater, because that is extra money!!! But my friend, Noe and I, get there hours early to get a place in the crowd (and as close as possible). Summerfest is MY Lollapalooza, just with less people. On the 2 hour trip home, it's usually 2 am and Noe and I are jamming out to music still. I love that part. 

Always a summer bucket list item for me.

3) Buy birthday party supplies on a budget

This one is hard for me. I love a good Amazon and Etsy birthday find. I also have a party every year (you all should know by now that I love my birthday). I have a very small budget this year, since I'm going back to school in the fall. But, of course, my smart mind is adamant on having a party. 

A GARDEN PARTY!

What is a garden party? 

Here are some reference pictures:

 

It's really just a posh party in your backyard. Although, my backyard is a hill, so...a posh party in my front yard. 

It's floral and butterfly themed and my mind is yelling "BUY EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING." I made a list of supplies I want, that includes table settings and lights and things of the sort. I had to talk myself down from buying too many expensive supplies and started looking into the Dollar Store for floral plates and Five Below for outdoor pillows. I'm going to upcycle some sauce jars for flower arrangements and decorations. And the best part is that it's a freakin' POT LUCK!!! (Thank you to everyone who is bringing food because I refuse to have cheap pizza at this party).

This is so modern day Bridgerton. I'm obsessed. 

Oh and uh...this party is at the end of July. I just plan way too far in advance.

(ALSO, if you're reading this and you're a friend of mine, I can only invite 10 people to this birthday party. Please don't be offended if you're not invited: I still love you!) 

4) Go to more Farmer's Markets

There are SO many where I live and I've been to one and that was last year. I would love to travel around and pick up some healthy veggies or buy some homemade candles. Shopping locally needs to be more on my radar. A short bucket list item, but a big one!

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I would love to hear your bucket list items!

Have a great day, friends!

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I Like You but Not Like That

Sexuality is a scary word for a lot of people.

 

Society has told everyone that the norm is to be heterosexual (straight) since the beginning of time. I’m being a bit dramatic on the timing there, but being heterosexual is what has been around for a long time and what has been accepted forever.

 

Then homosexuality (gay) became more accepted. Gay rights, free to love who you love. There are still people who don’t accept homosexuality because they’re still stuck in the ways of everyone being heterosexual. But there has been a lot of progress for gay rights in the 21^st century (AS THERE SHOULD BE!!) and lots of slogans of “love is love.”

 

As time goes by, sexuality broadens. There are different umbrellas of preferences and what people do and do not like. Bisexuality is very prominent in today’s culture but there’s more to just liking male or females. Now, I won’t get into all the different sexualities and preferences (you can Google that) because I’m here to talk about one that isn’t widely accepted.

Asexuality.

 

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.

 

When I was younger, I always had crushes on boys. I was definitely a straight white female. As I approached adulthood, I still had crushes on guys but...that was it. Thinking of getting intimate with someone made me outwardly cringe. Most of my friends know about the guy in my early college career that I wanted to date. He didn’t even like me, he just wanted to use me (as I later realized). I refused physical contact with him, even though I liked him at the time.

 

What was WRONG with me?! Why couldn’t I have sex with him like he wanted? Was I broken?

That was a big word that lasted a long time in my life: “Broken.”

 

As I entered my early twenties, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. There WAS something wrong, though, I was sure of it. My friends were getting married and having kids and I just...didn’t want that. I looked deeper in myself and then came to the conclusion I was bisexual. Women were beautiful, but no...I wasn’t attracted to them. I then tried to place my gender into my sexuality at the time (which was a soul searching thing and I had to tell myself later on that gender and sexuality are different things.) I was so confused because I didn’t like ANYTHING. I didn’t want anything!!!!

 

I then came across the phrase “asexual” on Google. I was scared to give myself that label because of me already thinking I was a ton of different ones already. But it really seemed to fit me. I told my mom about it and she was confused, of course, because being asexual isn’t “normal” (hello again heterosexual world!) and she didn’t know what it was. We talked about it and I was absolutely enthralled when my mom said “Yeah, I see that in you.”

 

A few years went by and here’s the comments I received when telling some close people I was asexual:

“So...you’re like a tree? You just...exist?”

 

“Oh, you’ll change your mind one day!”

“You’re just insecure with yourself. Once you lose weight you’ll like yourself more.”

 

“You haven’t explored enough to know your sexuality”

 

So, that’s when I stopped telling people. I kept getting hurt. I told myself I would never give my parents grandkids or a son in law or a white picket fence fantasy, which hurt even more.

 

Having sex is the only way this world turns.

 

RIGHT?!

(This is me inserting an eye rolling emoji because that’s how most people think still).

 

 

Why is me being asexual such a burden in other people’s lives? Yes, I still get butterflies when I like a guy (which is called Heteroromantic. I’m straight and have happy feelings when I like someone, but it’s rare) but no, I don’t want to have anything past that (which is the asexual part).

 

I just want you ALL to know: I can have a fullfilling life, too.

 

 

I have married friends who are asexual. Yes, you CAN get married and love someone while being asexual. Everyone is different and your sexuality is different from other people, too.

 

I went to a Pride bar crawl last year and I wore an Ace (short for asexual) colored bandana. I was the only one who was wearing those colors but I wasn’t judged for the first time in my life. A girl I know came up to me and said “I didn’t know you were asexual” and I had the whole “I don’t tell anyone because everyone gets upset at me” speech and this girl looked me in the eyes and goes “You need to be who YOU are. I accept you.” (Yes, I am currently crying while writing this paragraph).

 

Why am I writing this post? Because I finally want to say it all.

Is this my “coming out” post for my friends who don’t know? Probably.

 

Will I willing tell people that I’m asexual? Probably not.

 

I cry every time I talk about my sexuality. It’s not something I want (I’m just being honest) but I have to learn to live my life. I have to learn that I won’t be accepted with some people in that way.

 

I’m already a badass, I can only go up from here.

____

I finished the book, Ace by Angela Chen, last night. Highly recommended by me! Click here to check it out! 

P.s. If you have any (appropriate and non hurtful) questions about any of this, I can try and answer the best I can :) 

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