When I was little, I loved my birthday: presents, cake, and friends. What more could you ask for? I turned into a young adult and starting hating my birthday because I was TIRED of being alive and TIRED of getting older.
I was 21 when I started to really despise my birthday.
I remember crying in group therapy because that year was suppose to be my last year on Earth and I was still here. I felt like a failure and hated that I had to keep living. For the next couple years, I blew out my birthday candles with a smile that I didn't mean.
Every year that I could remember, no matter what I was going through on my birthday, my birthday wish was "to be happy". Even though I was hoping to die, I had SOME hope, it turns out.
When I turned 24 years old, I had a new job and on a whim, invited my coworkers to my birthday breakfast. Just my new coworkers and I. And 99% of them showed up. I couldn't believe it. People who barely knew me showed up at 7 am (even though some people had to work later that day!) to celebrate ME. Someone brought me a cake and then someone came in with balloons. I was overwhelmed. I then went to see a movie later that night with some different friends and people drove far, just to see a movie that turned out to be awful, because it was my birthday. I still can't wrap my head around it. I started to really like my birthday.
My birthday that just happened on July 25th 2019, I turned 26 years old. For those of you who've seen me, whether it be in person or in pictures, I'm seriously 26, not 17 (I SWEAR! I JUST LOOK YOUNG!!) I decided to have a birthday party at my house and invited a bunch of people. It was kind of just a thrown together kind of party, with mix matched napkins, and balloons that didn't go with a color scheme.
Now, I've thrown a couple parties this year and only a few people came. I had one random party earlier this year where I spent a TON of money and invited SO many people and only 2 people showed up. I cried and was sadder than I thought I would be. So when it came to my birthday this year, I was hoping people would show up.
Many people cancelled. Many people didn't even acknowledge that I invited them. I was a little heartbroken but they didn't realize how important that day was for me. The people who DID show up were people I could always count on in my life and who love me, and that's who I really wanted to celebrate with.
Why was my birthday so important to me now? It's because it's a day about me. To show people I've made it. I'm ALIVE. It was this year when I realized that birthdays are something to celebrate, not mourn.
People like to always say "I hate birthdays because I hate getting older" and trust me, I've been there, I get it. But getting older is inevitable and getting older gives you more time to LIVE. To discover yourself. To find out what you like, what you're good at. You have more time to love. More time to start new friendships.
On your next birthday, just know that I'll be cheering you on. Why? Because you're still here and you deserve to be celebrated.