(This is an old picture, by the way)
I cried for the first time in a few years last night.
My medications I take stop me from shedding tears as a side effect so I can't ever let it out when I need to. But last night I cried very hard and it was needed and worth it.
I have adult ADHD and it didn't come on until I was older. With my other mental health issues, I thought not being able to slow down was a part of other things. But something was different than it had been and I couldn't shut my mind off nor could I just STOP.
People are always saying "you do so many things!" and I want to tell everyone: "I can't help it and I don't know why."
Last night everything came to a head. It wasn't a manic episode or what I call my "breakdowns," it just felt different. There was just so much noise around me and so many people. I couldn't seem to ever be alone and I couldn't rest or relax. I am also very irritable with people recently. I seem to get angry easier and I'm so confused because that's not me. I went to a concert the other night where I was pretty much standing in front row. With the amount of people pushing me and having no space to breathe, I was so afraid I was going to have a panic attack. But I didn't. I just wanted to scream out of anger with these drunk people around me and that's not me.
I looked it up last night why I was going downhill.
Last night everything came to a head. It wasn't a manic episode or what I call my "breakdowns," it just felt different. There was just so much noise around me and so many people. I couldn't seem to ever be alone and I couldn't rest or relax. I am also very irritable with people recently. I seem to get angry easier and I'm so confused because that's not me. I went to a concert the other night where I was pretty much standing in front row. With the amount of people pushing me and having no space to breathe, I was so afraid I was going to have a panic attack. But I didn't. I just wanted to scream out of anger with these drunk people around me and that's not me.
I looked it up last night why I was going downhill.
"Overstimulation" popped up.
I've heard of that phrase before but I always thought it was for people with autism. But ADHD people can suffer from it, too, and I was shocked. It's pretty much sensory overload, when too many things happen at once. I didn't fit some things on the list but I did see myself with some of the checklist.
I've heard of that phrase before but I always thought it was for people with autism. But ADHD people can suffer from it, too, and I was shocked. It's pretty much sensory overload, when too many things happen at once. I didn't fit some things on the list but I did see myself with some of the checklist.
Hyperactivity. Overly intense response to stimuli. Agitation.
All me these days. I thought it was hormonal, but it was happening before and after my time of the month. When I saw that word on Google last night, it clicked a little bit. Then I cried. It was yet another mental obstacle in my life. I usually don't want anyone to see me or touch me when I cry, but I went to my mom because for the first time, I wanted to be comforted.
ALL THESE NEW THINGS!
When my tears on my face, I went on Pinterest to look up tips on how to calm my brain. I have shocked therapists in the past because I have learned so much about myself in my 29 years. Many people never do, but this a night where I learned what I need to do to be my best self again. I spent a few hours making a list about myself and my current needs and what I learned in a short amount of time.
I want to share some below from my list. Maybe it'll spark some connection between us or maybe it'll show you something new to add to your life!
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1) Smells. Many people with hypersensitivity can't stand strong smells. I, on the other hand, must have smells for some reason. I love candles in general but I have been burning them like crazy now. I think there's a connection of calmness and soothing candles for me. I have to light one when I do school from home and when I go to bed. There's a candle I lit in the living room right now and I'm the only one in the house right now. It's just something I have attached myself to.
2) Leaving the house. I have a rule that after 3 days at home, I have to go somewhere. Whether it be a Starbucks or a library, I have to get out. But with my classes being remote this semester, I stay in my house and I go to work. That's pretty much it. I realized that I've not followed my 3 day rule and it's definitely taking a toll on all of this. I need to start going out during the day when I can, even if it's just getting lunch by myself or sitting by my favorite town dam.
I want to share some below from my list. Maybe it'll spark some connection between us or maybe it'll show you something new to add to your life!
___
1) Smells. Many people with hypersensitivity can't stand strong smells. I, on the other hand, must have smells for some reason. I love candles in general but I have been burning them like crazy now. I think there's a connection of calmness and soothing candles for me. I have to light one when I do school from home and when I go to bed. There's a candle I lit in the living room right now and I'm the only one in the house right now. It's just something I have attached myself to.
2) Leaving the house. I have a rule that after 3 days at home, I have to go somewhere. Whether it be a Starbucks or a library, I have to get out. But with my classes being remote this semester, I stay in my house and I go to work. That's pretty much it. I realized that I've not followed my 3 day rule and it's definitely taking a toll on all of this. I need to start going out during the day when I can, even if it's just getting lunch by myself or sitting by my favorite town dam.
3) Declutter. This is cliche but when I was in the deep throes of my depression, I welcomed a messy bedroom. Now, my anxiety is turned up when my small bedroom floor is crowded. I can barely stay in it for long before my breathing becomes heavier. I need to do some upcoming spring cleaning and get rid of clothes and items that I don't use. I want to enjoy a safe space, not become detached from it.
4) Dressing up. I have been wearing sweatpants and t-shirts for 2 months straight because I barely leave home and no one on my Zoom classes can see my pants. I took a hot shower today to relax and put on a fuzzy sweater I never wear. I did my skincare, brushed my teeth, and decorated my hair with 2 butterfly clips. I feel wonderful, even if I only have one class today online. I think when I start to become less of a recluse, I will have a "NO SWEATPANTS" rule when I go out. It'll make my brain feel better.
5) Quiet time. Like I said, I am always surrounded by people. At my house and especially at work (so many people there!) I don't get time to myself EVER. So I impulsively booked a 2 night stay at a local hotel this weekend for my very own "quiet time." I will not be doing school work, reading books that I'm forced to, and letting myself relax (for 2 days only, though.) I will instead be writing for fun, reading books that I want to read, and maybe watch a movie! I'M WILD AND CRAZY, YA'LL!
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I have more things I wrote down but I don't want to ramble on here. Reschedule plans that don't fit in your life right now, avoid big crowds when you can, and catch your irritability before it turns into full anger.
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I have more things I wrote down but I don't want to ramble on here. Reschedule plans that don't fit in your life right now, avoid big crowds when you can, and catch your irritability before it turns into full anger.
Most importantly, take time for yourself.