New Year, New Me

 I have to start this post by saying that I'm about to be extremely vulnerable. I haven't said this to anyone but I think writing about it and being transparent with you guys is what I'm on here for in the first place. It's going to be hard but I think it's time that I acknowledge it, too. 

I'm going to say that my family has an addictive personality as a very strong gene trait. I won't get into family matters, but both sides of my family have things that affect their lives in a negative way (even if THEY don't see it). 

I started drinking alcohol when I got out of a hospital when I was 21. I never really drank before that. I had one shot of pure vodka in college and hated it (mostly because I didn't know what a chaser was....), but that was the only time. I'm actually pretty proud of myself in that aspect. But I started drinking wine first. I bought a bottle I'd never heard of at my job of the time and drank it alone in my room. I actually never had bought a wine opener before, so when I was trying to DIY opening the bottle, I definitely got cork pieces in my wine, so I used a coffee filter when pouring my wine. 

I started drinking that wine a lot, always by myself in my room, and I was honestly too afraid to branch out because there were too many options out in the world. But as the years went by and I drank wine casually at friends' houses, at parties, at dinners, I found out that I only like sweet wine (dry wine makes me writhe a bit). 

I remember going to another hospital again because I purposely took pills with wine, hoping to end my existence. 

That's really when I think my drinking took a turn. 

I attended a house party with some good friends at the time and made friends quickly and someone said to me there "You can sleepover. You never let loose! Have fun!" So that night, I took 13 shots within an hour, all different alcohols, and then danced with people I never met. It was my first (and last) blackout from drinking. 

I went to another house party with mainly people I just met, a few years after my last hospital visit. They were chugging vodka from the bottle. They took plastic bottles around filled with pure vodka and water. I was definitely not in my usual element. We were in a safe environment at the time, but I learned what "pre-gamming" was and I was having a blast. THEN WE WENT TO A BAR AFTER! We caught rides with a random guy I didn't know and then took an Uber home. It was my first time trashed in a public place and I couldn't have had more fun. 

After that last house party, I was VERY into vodka. I had to have a sweet mixer with every vodka drink and I no longer took pure alcohol shots because of my blackout experience (I just...couldn't stomach shots after that night in 2016). My favorite drink became Red Bull and vodka, which is SO bad for you. 

I drank a lot at parties, by myself, and I started going to bars with friends. I knew my limit and I pushed it when I figured out how I was getting home safely. Most people get really energized when drunk, but I was the opposite; I got real quiet. Now that I look back, I think I enjoyed a break from my regular personality. 

Fast forward to 2020. Covid-19. Quarantine. I went out to my favorite bar when it was opened, always WITH someone. When that bar closed because of the order, I bought my favorite handmade alcohol from them (apple pie shots) and had 2 quarts in my fridge. I drank those quarts in a week and half. I won't tell you how many shots I had per night, but I barely get hangovers, so I was never "punished" for drinking. 

Then the lockdown hit. I was in my room by 6-ish PM and drinking the night away. Every night for months. Of course, I would skip one or two nights when I was working too late at night, but it was constant: beer, rum, vodka, wine, you name it, I drank. All alone. 

I took to social media, mainly Snapchat, and recorded drunk videos and felt a sense of comfort when people watched them and found me "so funny" (which I am, even sober). 

I went to my dietitian recently. I told her I drink at night. She scolded me: "Megan, you have diabetes. You're drinking all your calories!!!!" I mostly ran on coffee as my meals except dinner and then alcohol at night. Coffee and vodka. A terrible combo. 

My mother approached me and told me to stop and that I need to take a break from drinking. She brought up Dry January, a usual English tradition where you don't drink all of January to reset for the new year. I looked into it. 

Doing Dry January is suppose to: Clear your complexion (I have awful dark circles), cleanse your liver a bit, lose some weight (allllll thooosseee callllorrrrieesss!!) and it should have a positive affect on your drinking the rest of the year as in, most people seem to drink less afterwards.

I'm NOT good at going cold turkey. My addictive personality, remember? I always go back, it seems. But I'm going to try Dry January. I have recently realize (a few days ago actually) that if I fill my usual alcohol glass with water, I drink just as much water while it's in that glass. It must be a psychological thing. 

I'm not an alcoholic, but I don't want to become one. 

No one has been worried about me, but I'm doing this for me. My dietitian asked if I was depressed. I told her I was happier than ever. I don't know why I keep drinking, and I don't want to dive deep into "why". That's not my thing. 

But I will update you guys on my progress in January and if you have read this far in this post, thanks. I'm pretty scared putting this out there, but I'd appreciate if you guys cheered me on, because I think I need it (even if it's just in your mind! LOL!)

New year, new me. 

P.s. the picture on top has water in the glass!!!

Read More

Megan's 2020 Wrap Up

The year we knew as 2020 is officially ending. Most people are grateful that this year is ending and I am DEFINITELY one of those people. The Coronavirus has taken over everyone's lives in a bad way and I am hoping with all my might that the vaccine will prove to be effective in 2021 because if it does work, I call for a 2020 do-over year. 

Or, you know, we can live one day at a time. Which I will choose to do because the future SCARES ME. 

On a different note, every year I post an "End of the Year in Megan's Life" post. I was looking through my pictures on my phone and remembering what a heck of a year it was for me. There were some downs, but there were also a lot of ups. I was diagnosed with diabetes in March but I also started reading again this year. I mean, those really don't connect to each other, I'm just trying to say for every negative, there's a positive. 

I'd like to share some of my 2020 Wrap Up with you guys. It's also not in time order, just a heads up!

____

Monday Night Bingo. 

I believe this started last year, but some people from my work and I would go down to a bar and play bingo most Monday nights. I enjoyed the laughter and winning once! When Covid hit, we obviously couldn't get together and play bingo anymore, but I can't wait to do it again. Here's a picture of some of us! There's more or less people sometimes, but whoever comes, it's always fun (Also, who let Lorraine wear that hat? Who's hat is that in the first place?!)

My First Solo Vacation: Minneapolis, MN.

I wasn't getting any hours at my job earlier this year and just thought "I want to go on vacation by myself" so I booked an AirBnB for a week out and just...left for a few days. I went waterfall hunting, I went to my first ever planetarium show, and I went to a Tiki Bar (I took an Uber there, don't worry!). I would definitely go on another solo trip. 10/10 so much fun.  

Started Working at a Thrift Store. 

I'll admit, this is bit of a sore spot for me since it's no longer under the same management and I'm shockingly NOT the new management, but I did have a good time volunteering a lot of my time at Perks Thrift. It was a mess and more of a garage sale than a thrift store, but my heart really got attached to it. I'm glad it came (then went just as quickly) into my life this year!

Signed up to Be a Crisis Text Line Counselor. 

I always wanted to help people and going through mental health issues is tough, so I thought this was be the perfect volunteer job. Turns out, it really WASN'T my thing but in those few months, I did have some people I talked to where I really hope I helped. Those were the rewarding moments. Of course, I still want to help people, just not with this program. (P.S. If you're ever in a crisis and need someone to talk to, text "hello" to 741741) 

Went to Las Vegas. 

I feel like I traveled a lot during this pandemic? How? Anyway, I went to Vegas baby! My friend  Noe and I gambled (not that much, but we did!), drank some alcohol, went hiking at the Red Rocks with some other friends, and walked the Vegas Strip! But not in that order....when we went in September, it was DEAD. People were just not there. The music outside on the Strip sucked (it literally played Dean Martin on repeat) and mostly everything including shows were closed. I'm still super glad I went though, so I could check it off my bucket list!

Started The Write Stuff.

My heart and soul. My precious darling. My writing club. Every Sunday at 4 pm CST, we meet via Zoom and write about a fun topic. We started it in person, then things started shutting down, so online it was! My friend Lisa joins me religiously every Sunday and for that, I am so grateful for her. It's so much fun and open to anyone in the US who wants to join (HINT HINT). 

Updated My Podcast, Girl Almighty. 

I had this podcast since 2018 but it wasn't professional and sloppy and boring. But NOW, I've updated it and I have guests and everything! It's so much fun, but takes more work than I expected. It's still just a fun thing for me, I won't make any money off of it, but thanks for everyone who listened and continues to listen! The picture below is my first podcast episode on my revamped Girl Almighty!

Visited Fairmont AKA James Dean's hometown. 

Lisa and I had this trip in our heads for a while. We finally went this year via road trip and it was SO much fun. From visiting James' museum, to  playing in a waterfall and few towns over. Everyone was so friendly and we even saw a cousin of James Dean (albeit he was across the road) .

Started My Book Club.

It's true: it's not an ACTUAL book club, but it's a cute name! I started reading again after getting sucked into the book called The Gift Of Forgiveness by Katherine Schwarzenegger Pratt in March, I believe. It was by far my book choice of the year and I haven't stopped reading since. I'm s huge mood reader but it's been one heck of a ride with these books this year. I have so many in my To Be Read pile and I'm EXCITED. 

Finished My Second Book.

Now, this happened fairly recently, but what a way to end 2020, eh? My second book, The Art of Talking, is a non-fiction book about other people and their stories. I'm hoping people like it and it's my first book I've worked on and written that's not completely about me. I'm extremely scared to have it out there because I don't have an agent, an editor, or a publisher. If you judge me on my spelling mistake, that's on you (LOL). But, the eBook will be out December 24th and the paper copies will be out early 2021. I'm scared and excited and I just have lots of FEELINGS. 

___

Now, here's some random pictures I'd like to share (with captions to explain) 

(Ashley and I using our new projector and watching ParaNorman outside)

(My new author photo)

(My 27th birthday spent with friends at a sunflower farm)

(A cute picture of a time where I was very happy to be carefree)

(Valentine's Day party at my house)

(Apple Pie shots before everything closed down)

(Lauren, Lindsey, and I staying at night in Wisconsin Dells. Watching Tik Toks and doing face masks)

(My epic birthday party. Including apple pie shots (duh))

___

I'd like to conclude this posts with a tribute to my dear friend and "adopted grandmother", Evy. Evy passed on to heaven recently and I have been blessed and honored to love her. I came out for her 80th birthday (we did a drive-by celebration) this fall and once she saw it was me in the car, she blew me kisses and told me she loved me. I dedicate this post to her because she supported me in everything that I did. She was always excited to here what I've been up to.  Love you, Evy. 

__

Well, 2020 was wild. I did a lot but it was still a heck of a hard year. I'm wishing all of you a safe holiday and here's to hoping 2021 is  a lot better!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Read More