Megan at the Movies: Why I'm Choosing Films in 2024

I was talking with an older coworker recently where he told me him and his wife love seeing movies. They have a movie pass to get rewards and tickets and he said "Megan, it's worth it." 

I had to break it to him that as a 30 year old in the world of social media and me having to be connected at all times, I can't sit through a whole movie. I'm always on my phone or I get up for a second then when I come back, I am no longer in the movie or TV mood so I turn it off.

But I wasn't always like this. I used to love movies and I was able to binge a TV show for fun while paying attention to all of it. I read books now instead and if you question how my ADHD survives me sitting and reading, I will always answer with "I have no idea how it works, but it does." Talking to my coworker made me realize: I miss movies. Not only did he talk me into looking into movie reward programs for myself, I was getting excited to look into what movies are coming out next year. 

I started to think about my personal benefits of going to see movies again:

* I will HAVE to put my phone away so I can't use it at all. It'll be nice to relax for at least an hour without constant checking.

* Watching a movie will take my mind off so many things and it's essentially a form of self care for me. 

* I would love to go by myself so I don't have to make conversation with anyone before or after the movie, but I'm not against having other people tag along sometimes. I also don't want to rely on other people's schedules, so I'm going to focus on going solo. 

* The rewards program I pick will get me good movie butter popcorn and I always need that in my life.

* I would love to write reviews on the movies I see. I haven't written for fun in a long time and I think it would make me feel good to be able to write something with my humor and thoughts.  

The only 'con' was the spending money part. But if I see one movie a month, my goodness, I can handle that. I decided to start officially in January for Megan's Movie Me Time and I WAS going to join AMC Theater's reward program called Stubs Premiere. It's only $15 per YEAR (yes, I googled that because I thought it was wrong LOL) and for someone who is financially not able to do a per month thing, it was smart for me. Also, this is of course not sponsored but here's the AMC Stubs link to see the tiers: X

But then I talked to my mom about how our local movie theater, Classic Cinemas, has a FREE reward program. Classic Cinemas is kind of like the indie bookstore of my town, but cheaper. Their movie tickets are $5 and a medium popcorn is $7 with free refills. Their seats are brand new and heated. And with all of that, I don't have to pay for their reward program? The 'con' here is that they don't have any smaller or indie movies they show, but what's stopping me to going to another theater if I want to see those? I just won't get points (which isn't a huge deal.) But Classic Cinemas, you got me; I'm joining. 

I was so excited about this new thing for me that I started watching movie trailers for January and February 2024 to see which movies floated my boat and which ones did not. Here's what I found:

Movies I definitely don't want to see but watched the trailer to check it out:

* Sometimes I Think About Dying

* Madame Web

Movies I do want to see:

* Mean Girls (January) 

* It Ends With Us (February) (Is this movie still coming out?)

* Lisa Frankenstein (February)

I still have to do some research for March and on but it was fun to see what I wanted to watch! 

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On November 28th, I had a bad day and needed to get out of the house. I said "I really want to see The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes" so I went to the movies by myself as a trial run for January. I got popcorn, a cherry icee, and a empty theater all to myself. I thought the movie was messy and do not recommend it (MOVIE REVIEW TO COME IN ANOTHER POST!!) but I only looked at my phone once during the unnecessarily long movie but only to check the time. 

When I was driving home, I felt so....refreshed. It definitely was a new feeling for me! I didn't check my notifications or emails, if I had to get up, I did so to get my free icee refills, and I did enjoy the main guy in the movie, so it was NICE. I don't do self care much because I physically and mentally cannot anymore. I have too much to do for others or things to stress about to ever take time for myself. Again, my phone is my lifeline. But I'm a kind person and a movie theater rule follower, so knowing I had to put my phone away (even in an empty theater) was the break I needed. 

Of course, the notification amount was crazy when I looked at them afterwards, but I decided to talk about the movie with my family at home instead of replying to them right away. I also didn't dwell on my bad day until I was back home from the movie. WHO AM I!?

Shoutout to my coworker who gave me this idea without knowing the positive implications it will have on my life. Well, at least for 2024. 

**I'm trying to think of a clever name for the movie review series I'm going to write on this blog so give me a chance to play with some things first because my goodness, this one is hard!**

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I Watched the Full Moon Rise and Set Through My Hospital Window

 I haven't written on this blog since February 2023. It is now October 2023 and I think it's the right time to make a post. Please beware, this story of my current health is a longer one...

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In the beginning of September of this year, I was in a constant state of being overwhelmed. I had started a new job that summer and my classes for school were going to be all in-person for the first time in a year. I also had my podcast that I do all by myself and past guests were asking when their episode was going to be released because I have taken so long to edit. My mental state went in the gutter for a bit but after a routine with work and school was in the works, I felt a little lighter. 

After coming out of a time of short lived darkness, I was my happy self again. I drank my coffee each morning, I read a little bit each day, and I constantly laughed (which is my favorite thing to do.)

On Wednesday, September 20th, I had a pain on my lower back. I felt around and there was no bump but the skin was really sore. The next day, a bump did appear. It kept growing and never stopped. It hurt so bad where I couldn't sit without being in horrible pain. On Saturday, the 23rd, I didn't feel great. I was constantly hot when my family was covered in blankets. I didn't sleep well because of my stupid bump. 

Then the next day, my parents left for Las Vegas for vacation. I went to Target that Sunday morning to pick up milk and some cute Halloween decor. I kept saying "it's because I didn't have my coffee yet" as an excuse to why I was feeling off that morning. That evening, I was carving pumpkins by myself and my body almost collapsed onto the floor because I was suddenly in so much pain. I laid down on the couch and the pain never subsided. I just KNEW my bump had something to do with it. I texted my mom "I'm going to the immediate care" and as I was sitting in the random doctor's office alone, I was whimpering like a child. The pain was everywhere: my head, my back, my stomach. I apparently had a temp of 99.5 (which I don't believe) and no one asked how I was feeling despite me not being able to hold myself up.

I caught myself whispering out loud into the empty room: "please help me."

I was taken back to a surgery room and it turns out, the bump was an abscess. I had it drained, it hurt real bad, the doctor couldn't believe I was living with that big of a painful bump for this long. 

By that point, it was definitely too late.

I felt positive leaving with my packed wound but when I got home, I was dizzy immediately. The time after that went too slow and too fast at once. I was too sick the next day to pick up my newly prescribed antibiotics, so my friend picked them up for me. She brought me a coffee, too, and I almost threw up just looking at it. I hadn't eaten since the morning before and when my friend left, I started convulsing with pain on my downstairs couch. I was shivering but my face kept getting hotter. I yelled out loud a lot (which is maybe a good think my parents weren't there to hear me...) and I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk. I had a searing pain in my gallbladder area.

All in all, I wanted to just respectfully pass away at that point. 

I called my friend to come over again to drive me to the ER. I couldn't keep my eyes open. When I was waiting in line to check in, I was swaying on my feet. It was packed on a random Monday afternoon so the called me in after an hour, took my temperature, and it showed 104 degrees. I knew people around me were talking to me, saying that a fever will make me feel bad, but everything was hazy and blurry in my head. I got bloodwork taken, they gave me Tylenol, and made me sweat out my fever in the lobby full of people with with broken bone casts on. I have never felt so vulnerable and exposed. I was in and out of consciousness in that lobby for 1.5 hours while sweat dripped down my back. When my eyes did open, many people were staring. But I was past the point of caring. 

They finally took me back to a room, looked at my wound, said my white blood cell counts were great and that I was fine, then gave me different antibiotic pills. I sat outside the ER, shivering, waiting for my brother to pick me up and having too much faith in random ER doctors. 

I got the call the next day. September 26th at 6pm. 

"Hi Megan, I'm from the ER. We got your blood tests results back and they did grow a culture. We're going to need to you come back ASAP to get more bloodwork as it was probably contaminated." 

I entered the ER doors once again, but my fever had been gone since the day before, so the triage nurses kept telling me I was fine, it was most likely that some of my skin cells got into the bloodwork from last time. They took me back, once again, to look at my wound and since I hadn't eaten in 2 days at that point, a nurse brought me some snacks (which I promptly ate the small vanilla ice cream cup and wish I didn't.)

"You're fever is gone, there is nothing amiss with your gallbladder, and your wound looks great. Just waiting for your discharge papers."

It was 11 pm when the doctor of the shift came in and said they were going to admit me. Everyone kept saying I was fine and wasn't really sick, so that confused me. 

It was 2 am when I got wheeled into a room in the Kid's Ward (which I found out had 26 full rooms and only 2 were kids...) and my IV's started. I was delirious from my whole body hurting constantly and the nurse on that floor kept saying "we're admitting you because we're just waiting for your new bloodwork to come back." And that's all they said the first night to me. 

I had developed a blood infection, sepsis. It was part of the Staph family. I was given a specific care team full of infectious disease doctors and wound care specialists. The primary doctor I was given told me that my second set of bloodwork also grew a culture but honestly, I was okay, which she stated a lot; It wasn't anything too bad. Even through all that pain, I first believed her that it wasn't anything to worry about. 

Then the infectious disease doctor, who couldn't look me in the eye, came in by himself and said "this is really serious." 

Then I realized that primary doctor wasn't always telling the truth to me and I was glad when I left that place...

In the 4 long days of my hospital stay, there were too many people surrounding me. But I was completely and mentally alone. I had 1 friend who wanted to visit but my hair was matted and I wasn't given the all clear to shower. I felt disgusting but with all my insulin shots, my blood clot shots, my antibiotic IVs, and meds galore, I don't think I wanted anyone seeing me like that, even one of my best friends. The days were long and filled with short naps and quick texting. I didn't read my Kindle nor did I watch TV. I was just there, trying to survive a bit. 

I was released on Friday, September 29th. I finished a mini packet of goldfish at home (that took me 2 hours to eat, but it was progress!) and as my parents were still on vacation, I still had a this strange gnawing feeling of loneliness that kept creeping up. 

Aftercare started that night at 5:30 pm.

I now have a home health nurse (HI JENNIFER! I THINK YOU'RE GREAT), I have a Picc line in my right upper arm (which is a pretty much a permanent IV), I give myself IV infusions every 8 hours (my schedule is 2 am, 10 am, 6 pm), I get winded and lethargic if I walk or stand too long, after my infusions, I usually get sick and have to sit and close my eyes for a bit, I have to take this disgusting anti-infection pill that tastes so bad, I have to act like a literal dog and chase it down with pudding, and my doctor appointments are a lot (wound care, infectious disease center, blah blah all that jazz.) 

It...is intense.
 

I have not worked and I'll be out of work for too long for comfort, so I have no income. I had to withdraw from my school semester (although I might be able to keep one class because my professor is willing to work with me as I'm homebound.)

I'm 30 years old. This isn't supposed to happen at my age. I never expected a pain like this to happen to me where I wasn't under anesthetics. 

But I'm still also battling my own thoughts with this all. I don't have cancer nor have my cultures grown again. I don't understand why my life is uprooted for a blood infection. I feel like a fraud, telling this story when "so many people have it worse" (which, I absolutely despise that phrase, but I needed to use it.) 

My primary hospital doctor didn't always tell me the truth about things and made things up sometimes when she didn't have an answer, but before I left, I asked her "what will happen if I don't give myself infusions? I really don't want this." She came back with a reply of:

"If you stop doing your infusions, or you stop them too early, the infection will 100% come back. You will have a much harder time getting rid of it." 

Coming from that lady's mouth, I was surprised she finally told me something honest. 

I'm currently writing this on my living room couch, where I now reside for the next 2 weeks. I had 1 quick visitor over the weekend and I was over the moon. I have had 2 dinners delivered to my house from my Church family and now that my parents are home, it helps a lot. I love getting "hey how are you" texts from anyone who cares to reach out. My appetite is back but not fully. I like to have little snacks instead of meals. I love cards and now I have 3 "get well cards!" 

 I am not one to ever relax, but I am trying my best for the first time in my life. I am getting better every day but every hour isn't perfect. 

To those who read this post, I'M SORRY IT WAS SO LONG! I even kept out so much and I'm like "wow Megan, calm down." 

To those who have reached out to offer prayers and "thinking of you" texts, I needed them a lot. 

Okay, now I'm about to edit a podcast because I have actual free time (who is she?)

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Too Many Things, So Little Quiet

(This is an old picture, by the way)

I cried for the first time in a few years last night. 

My medications I take stop me from shedding tears as a side effect so I can't ever let it out when I need to. But last night I cried very hard and it was needed and worth it. 

I have adult ADHD and it didn't come on until I was older. With my other mental health issues, I thought not being able to slow down was a part of other things. But something was different than it had been and I couldn't shut my mind off nor could I just STOP. 

 People are always saying "you do so many things!" and I want to tell everyone: "I can't help it and I don't know why."

Last night everything came to a head. It wasn't a manic episode or what I call my "breakdowns," it just felt different. There was just so much noise around me and so many people. I couldn't seem to ever be alone and I couldn't rest or relax. I am also very irritable with people recently. I seem to get angry easier and I'm so confused because that's not me. I went to a concert the other night where I was pretty much standing in front row. With the amount of people pushing me and having no space to breathe, I was so afraid I was going to have a panic attack. But I didn't. I just wanted to scream out of anger with these drunk people around me and that's not me.

I looked it up last night why I was going downhill. 

"Overstimulation" popped up. 

I've heard of that phrase before but I always thought it was for people with autism. But ADHD people can suffer from it, too, and I was shocked. It's pretty much sensory overload, when too many things happen at once. I didn't fit some things on the list but I did see myself with some of the checklist. 

Hyperactivity. Overly intense response to stimuli. Agitation. 

All me these days. I thought it was hormonal, but it was happening before and after my time of the month. When I saw that word on Google last night, it clicked a little bit. Then I cried. It was yet another mental obstacle in my life. I usually don't want anyone to see me or touch me when I cry, but I went to my mom because for the first time, I wanted to be comforted. 

ALL THESE NEW THINGS! 

When my tears on my face, I went on Pinterest to look up tips on how to calm my brain. I have shocked therapists in the past because I have learned so much about myself in my 29 years. Many people never do, but this a night where I learned what I need to do to be my best self again. I spent a few hours making a list about myself and my current needs and what I learned in a short amount of time.

I want to share some below from my list. Maybe it'll spark some connection between us or maybe it'll show you something new to add to your life!

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1) Smells.  Many people with hypersensitivity can't stand strong smells. I, on the other hand, must have smells for some reason. I love candles in general but I have been burning them like crazy now. I think there's a connection of calmness and soothing candles for me. I have to light one when I do school from home and when I go to bed. There's a candle I lit in the living room right now and I'm the only one in the house right now. It's just something I have attached myself to. 

2) Leaving the house. I have a rule that after 3 days at home, I have to go somewhere. Whether it be a Starbucks or a library, I have to get out. But with my classes being remote this semester, I stay in my house and I go to work. That's pretty much it. I realized that I've not followed my 3 day rule and it's definitely taking a toll on all of this. I need to start going out during the day when I can, even if it's just getting lunch by myself or sitting by my favorite town dam.

3) Declutter. This is cliche but when I was in the deep throes of my depression, I welcomed a messy bedroom. Now, my anxiety is turned up when my small bedroom floor is crowded. I can barely stay in it for long before my breathing becomes heavier. I need to do some upcoming spring cleaning and get rid of clothes and items that I don't use. I want to enjoy a safe space, not become detached from it. 

4) Dressing up. I have been wearing sweatpants and t-shirts for 2 months straight because I barely leave home and no one on my Zoom classes can see my pants. I took a hot shower today to relax and put on a fuzzy sweater I never wear. I did my skincare, brushed my teeth, and decorated my hair with 2 butterfly clips. I feel wonderful, even if I only have one class today online. I think when I start to become less of a recluse, I will have a "NO SWEATPANTS" rule when I go out. It'll make my brain feel better. 

5) Quiet time. Like I said, I am always surrounded by people. At my house and especially at work (so many people there!) I don't get time to myself EVER. So I impulsively booked a 2 night stay at a local hotel this weekend for my very own "quiet time." I will not be doing school work, reading books that I'm forced to, and letting myself relax (for 2 days only, though.) I will instead be writing for fun, reading books that I want to read, and maybe watch a movie! I'M WILD AND CRAZY, YA'LL! 

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I have more things I wrote down but I don't want to ramble on here. Reschedule plans that don't fit in your life right now, avoid big crowds when you can, and catch your irritability before it turns into full anger. 

Most importantly, take time for yourself. 

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