New Year, New Me

 I have to start this post by saying that I'm about to be extremely vulnerable. I haven't said this to anyone but I think writing about it and being transparent with you guys is what I'm on here for in the first place. It's going to be hard but I think it's time that I acknowledge it, too. 

I'm going to say that my family has an addictive personality as a very strong gene trait. I won't get into family matters, but both sides of my family have things that affect their lives in a negative way (even if THEY don't see it). 

I started drinking alcohol when I got out of a hospital when I was 21. I never really drank before that. I had one shot of pure vodka in college and hated it (mostly because I didn't know what a chaser was....), but that was the only time. I'm actually pretty proud of myself in that aspect. But I started drinking wine first. I bought a bottle I'd never heard of at my job of the time and drank it alone in my room. I actually never had bought a wine opener before, so when I was trying to DIY opening the bottle, I definitely got cork pieces in my wine, so I used a coffee filter when pouring my wine. 

I started drinking that wine a lot, always by myself in my room, and I was honestly too afraid to branch out because there were too many options out in the world. But as the years went by and I drank wine casually at friends' houses, at parties, at dinners, I found out that I only like sweet wine (dry wine makes me writhe a bit). 

I remember going to another hospital again because I purposely took pills with wine, hoping to end my existence. 

That's really when I think my drinking took a turn. 

I attended a house party with some good friends at the time and made friends quickly and someone said to me there "You can sleepover. You never let loose! Have fun!" So that night, I took 13 shots within an hour, all different alcohols, and then danced with people I never met. It was my first (and last) blackout from drinking. 

I went to another house party with mainly people I just met, a few years after my last hospital visit. They were chugging vodka from the bottle. They took plastic bottles around filled with pure vodka and water. I was definitely not in my usual element. We were in a safe environment at the time, but I learned what "pre-gamming" was and I was having a blast. THEN WE WENT TO A BAR AFTER! We caught rides with a random guy I didn't know and then took an Uber home. It was my first time trashed in a public place and I couldn't have had more fun. 

After that last house party, I was VERY into vodka. I had to have a sweet mixer with every vodka drink and I no longer took pure alcohol shots because of my blackout experience (I just...couldn't stomach shots after that night in 2016). My favorite drink became Red Bull and vodka, which is SO bad for you. 

I drank a lot at parties, by myself, and I started going to bars with friends. I knew my limit and I pushed it when I figured out how I was getting home safely. Most people get really energized when drunk, but I was the opposite; I got real quiet. Now that I look back, I think I enjoyed a break from my regular personality. 

Fast forward to 2020. Covid-19. Quarantine. I went out to my favorite bar when it was opened, always WITH someone. When that bar closed because of the order, I bought my favorite handmade alcohol from them (apple pie shots) and had 2 quarts in my fridge. I drank those quarts in a week and half. I won't tell you how many shots I had per night, but I barely get hangovers, so I was never "punished" for drinking. 

Then the lockdown hit. I was in my room by 6-ish PM and drinking the night away. Every night for months. Of course, I would skip one or two nights when I was working too late at night, but it was constant: beer, rum, vodka, wine, you name it, I drank. All alone. 

I took to social media, mainly Snapchat, and recorded drunk videos and felt a sense of comfort when people watched them and found me "so funny" (which I am, even sober). 

I went to my dietitian recently. I told her I drink at night. She scolded me: "Megan, you have diabetes. You're drinking all your calories!!!!" I mostly ran on coffee as my meals except dinner and then alcohol at night. Coffee and vodka. A terrible combo. 

My mother approached me and told me to stop and that I need to take a break from drinking. She brought up Dry January, a usual English tradition where you don't drink all of January to reset for the new year. I looked into it. 

Doing Dry January is suppose to: Clear your complexion (I have awful dark circles), cleanse your liver a bit, lose some weight (allllll thooosseee callllorrrrieesss!!) and it should have a positive affect on your drinking the rest of the year as in, most people seem to drink less afterwards.

I'm NOT good at going cold turkey. My addictive personality, remember? I always go back, it seems. But I'm going to try Dry January. I have recently realize (a few days ago actually) that if I fill my usual alcohol glass with water, I drink just as much water while it's in that glass. It must be a psychological thing. 

I'm not an alcoholic, but I don't want to become one. 

No one has been worried about me, but I'm doing this for me. My dietitian asked if I was depressed. I told her I was happier than ever. I don't know why I keep drinking, and I don't want to dive deep into "why". That's not my thing. 

But I will update you guys on my progress in January and if you have read this far in this post, thanks. I'm pretty scared putting this out there, but I'd appreciate if you guys cheered me on, because I think I need it (even if it's just in your mind! LOL!)

New year, new me. 

P.s. the picture on top has water in the glass!!!