I Like You but Not Like That

Sexuality is a scary word for a lot of people.

 

Society has told everyone that the norm is to be heterosexual (straight) since the beginning of time. I’m being a bit dramatic on the timing there, but being heterosexual is what has been around for a long time and what has been accepted forever.

 

Then homosexuality (gay) became more accepted. Gay rights, free to love who you love. There are still people who don’t accept homosexuality because they’re still stuck in the ways of everyone being heterosexual. But there has been a lot of progress for gay rights in the 21^st century (AS THERE SHOULD BE!!) and lots of slogans of “love is love.”

 

As time goes by, sexuality broadens. There are different umbrellas of preferences and what people do and do not like. Bisexuality is very prominent in today’s culture but there’s more to just liking male or females. Now, I won’t get into all the different sexualities and preferences (you can Google that) because I’m here to talk about one that isn’t widely accepted.

Asexuality.

 

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.

 

When I was younger, I always had crushes on boys. I was definitely a straight white female. As I approached adulthood, I still had crushes on guys but...that was it. Thinking of getting intimate with someone made me outwardly cringe. Most of my friends know about the guy in my early college career that I wanted to date. He didn’t even like me, he just wanted to use me (as I later realized). I refused physical contact with him, even though I liked him at the time.

 

What was WRONG with me?! Why couldn’t I have sex with him like he wanted? Was I broken?

That was a big word that lasted a long time in my life: “Broken.”

 

As I entered my early twenties, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. There WAS something wrong, though, I was sure of it. My friends were getting married and having kids and I just...didn’t want that. I looked deeper in myself and then came to the conclusion I was bisexual. Women were beautiful, but no...I wasn’t attracted to them. I then tried to place my gender into my sexuality at the time (which was a soul searching thing and I had to tell myself later on that gender and sexuality are different things.) I was so confused because I didn’t like ANYTHING. I didn’t want anything!!!!

 

I then came across the phrase “asexual” on Google. I was scared to give myself that label because of me already thinking I was a ton of different ones already. But it really seemed to fit me. I told my mom about it and she was confused, of course, because being asexual isn’t “normal” (hello again heterosexual world!) and she didn’t know what it was. We talked about it and I was absolutely enthralled when my mom said “Yeah, I see that in you.”

 

A few years went by and here’s the comments I received when telling some close people I was asexual:

“So...you’re like a tree? You just...exist?”

 

“Oh, you’ll change your mind one day!”

“You’re just insecure with yourself. Once you lose weight you’ll like yourself more.”

 

“You haven’t explored enough to know your sexuality”

 

So, that’s when I stopped telling people. I kept getting hurt. I told myself I would never give my parents grandkids or a son in law or a white picket fence fantasy, which hurt even more.

 

Having sex is the only way this world turns.

 

RIGHT?!

(This is me inserting an eye rolling emoji because that’s how most people think still).

 

 

Why is me being asexual such a burden in other people’s lives? Yes, I still get butterflies when I like a guy (which is called Heteroromantic. I’m straight and have happy feelings when I like someone, but it’s rare) but no, I don’t want to have anything past that (which is the asexual part).

 

I just want you ALL to know: I can have a fullfilling life, too.

 

 

I have married friends who are asexual. Yes, you CAN get married and love someone while being asexual. Everyone is different and your sexuality is different from other people, too.

 

I went to a Pride bar crawl last year and I wore an Ace (short for asexual) colored bandana. I was the only one who was wearing those colors but I wasn’t judged for the first time in my life. A girl I know came up to me and said “I didn’t know you were asexual” and I had the whole “I don’t tell anyone because everyone gets upset at me” speech and this girl looked me in the eyes and goes “You need to be who YOU are. I accept you.” (Yes, I am currently crying while writing this paragraph).

 

Why am I writing this post? Because I finally want to say it all.

Is this my “coming out” post for my friends who don’t know? Probably.

 

Will I willing tell people that I’m asexual? Probably not.

 

I cry every time I talk about my sexuality. It’s not something I want (I’m just being honest) but I have to learn to live my life. I have to learn that I won’t be accepted with some people in that way.

 

I’m already a badass, I can only go up from here.

____

I finished the book, Ace by Angela Chen, last night. Highly recommended by me! Click here to check it out! 

P.s. If you have any (appropriate and non hurtful) questions about any of this, I can try and answer the best I can :)