How Being a Fan Has Turned Our World Around

Ashley and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. We were those girls in high school who were huge nerds but didn't care because we were living our BEST LIVES. As we got older, we drifted apart with our jobs and our adult selves. Ashley and I recently started talking again and we love to reminisce about the "good old days". But then over FaceTime, Ashley says to me "there has to be a reason why we were obsessed with so many things. Is there something to that? With our mental health struggles, there HAS to be some kind of research on why we were so hooked on movies and books and characters!"

After a search for ANYTHING to answer this, we only found one article and it was an "opinion piece". But even that one article put in perspective that were weren't completely reaching for nothing. 

Hyper-fixation. That was the word of the article. I talked to Ashley more about this topic because we were both so intrigued and most importantly, we were both so INVOLVED. I love the way this interview turned out because it gives light on our mental health struggles and how we are strong women today. 

If you'd like to read the hyper-fixation article, click HERE

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(Here's me with my Edward Cullen poster in high school)

Megan: "When we met in high school (all those years ago), we were obsessed with Twilight and the Jonas Brothers. It became to the point where we went to a midnight premiere at a book store for Breaking Dawn’s book release and did everything we could for the Jonas Brothers, including writing fun fake stories about them in our notebooks during class. I was not ashamed to bring my Twilight movie tote bag from class to class. We both were in deep and did not care who knew it. In your eyes, what do you think had the biggest impact on you, with being a fan of these people/books/movies? I think mine was meeting the Jonas Brothers for the first time in 2007."

Ashley: "I think the biggest impact honestly was meeting others who felt the same way; it made me feel like maybe I wasn't so crazy or even so alone. It's funny now having been a teacher because I see these students all the time, having these large, grandiose obsessions and I really see myself in them, even though the obsessions have changed now. (The big one is BTS and KPOP in general, I guess-- anything that can consistently churn out new content to latch onto.) As a teenager you want to be accepted by others but at the same time you like what you like, and having people who felt the same way definitely helped me feel like I found my niche, even if I looked absolutely ridiculous wearing my Team Edward shirt. Definitely not a purchase I regret.

 I remember staying up late at sleepovers discussing Twilight and being excited to go see the Hannah Montana movie during spring break because JB was in it. I even met one of my future best friends and bridesmaids in line to meet the Jonas Brothers in 2007; she's someone who means so much to me now that she was freaking in my wedding and it started all because she was in front of me in line to meet some celebrities at a Verizon store in Barrington, Illinois. I think I became much more comfortable with who I was and what I liked because of having a tribe of people who felt the same way, and I still feel comfortable in discussing what I like with all of you because we shared this type of sisterhood over a decade ago. I am who I am because of you and that's a pretty cool thing to think about."

(This is Ashley in a video I shot for class in 2009!)

Megan: "We talked recently on FaceTime (for the first time in years!) and reminisced about how much we loved our “fandoms”. But then you brought up a good question: “WHY were we so fixated?” (And why am I STILL so fixated on other fandoms now?). After we hung up, you sent me an article about how “hyper-fixation is a coping skill to mental illness.” I was diagnosed with bipolar at 14 years old, right in the middle of my obsessive stage. You were in your 20’s when you were diagnosed, but most likely suffered symptoms of mental illness in high school too. What are your thoughts on how us being fans was actually a form of a coping skill?"

Ashley: "I am one of the most anxious people I know, but back then I think I just thought what I was experiencing was normal so I tried to find ways to cope with those feelings by taking myself out of those emotions by throwing myself into these fandoms. I think in a way I felt like if I could learn everything I could about them, I could really attach myself to the characters and get out of my "real life." I mean, even in class I'd analyze Twilight using the English skills I learned in English and creative writing-- maybe I was always meant to be an English teacher because, wow, that statement sounds dumb -- to make school more enjoyable and manageable.

 It's been years since I had a real obsession but about a year and a half ago I really got into Naruto, an anime which is also something I thought I'd never like, but having that has put me in an almost near-constant state of bliss having something inconsequential to focus on but also something that has brought me so much happiness that it feels important. It's like I want to give something like that a huge importance in my life because the "real" things like grading papers, angry phone calls from students' parents, etc. were too much to handle sometimes and in a way they felt like the unimportant things in my life; if I was to survive, I needed something that made me feel happy and that life was worth living. It was like a happiness switch had been turned on that I hadn't felt since my Twilight days and now that I'm an adult and understand my brain a lot better, I could take a step back and go "Oh. Maybe this is a coping skill to avoid this stuff."

                                                (I thought I was SOOOO funny back then...)

Megan: "For me, hyper-fixation and mental illness never crossed paths until you brought it up. I was an angry high school-er, but I turned to absolute mush when I would hear a Jonas Brother’s song. It definitely was something where I blocked out everyone telling me what to do and telling me I was different from other kids just by putting my headphones in my generation 1 chunky iPod. I was the same way with Twilight. The books were an escape from my “terrible life” (which was what I thought back then...). Did you ever have a sense of escapism in your life with your hyper-fixation?"

Ashley: "I think I kind of answered this already, but ABSOLUTELY. Bolded. Underlined. Italicized. I absolutely think this is escapism. I think it's why I loved Harry Potter so much-- it was this whole world I could get lost in, with the added bonus of always "welcoming me home" for a new adventure in a familiar place in a time when I moved around a lot as a kid and my homes and schools always felt different. It was a place that was described so vividly that it felt real and I needed something real and permanent in that time of my life; I could grow up along with the characters and always feel like I was in that safe place as my actual world constantly changed. 

When it came to Twilight, I think I liked the idea that it was new and exciting and we all wanted some kind of drama and love in our lives because we were fourteen and had nothing better going on. The Jonas Brothers were also some weird, awkward guys who made us feel seen and appealed to our teenage hormones. I wanted something I could plop myself down in. School work is never exciting, but using my time to instead learn everything I can about something that does appeal to me is exciting. I was able to heal some of that anxiety about the state of my life (even if everything was going well; but of course, that's mental illness). I could avoid those emotions and melt into this alternative part of myself that I could choose to share with other fans who understood, like you, and even now when I think back to freshman year I immediately associate it with Twilight, Jonas Brothers, lemonheads I'd get before a class that I'd only read/write about Twilight in, and a dark green notebook that I'd use to write about it. I think of this before I ever think about anything I learned or any of my actual classes. Because that's what really mattered to me at the time and what I'd escape to.

I think I'm still drawn to things that have worlds I can really immerse myself in because as a kid that was my first big coping strategy. Even now with things like Naruto, I can spend so much of my days immersing myself in the lore of a deep world like I used to with Harry because there's so much to focus on that I never get bored and it never ends; the more time I spend with it the more I learn and get more and more into peeling back the layers of the world to understand it all; it's like a puzzle, except that when I'm done with it, what meaning is it really going to give my life? It's not like I'll have accomplished anything of merit. But it still makes me happy and gives me something to focus on, especially during COVID when it felt like the world was falling apart. My husband was the one who got me into Naruto and he's liked it since he was a kid, and even he is like "Whoa, take it easy" sometimes. But I'm literally the last person who's ashamed. I mean Coach even came out with a Naruto line thanks to Michael B. Jordan. If a fucking luxury brand can get on board, why should I be ashamed? I'd share it with the world if I could. Even now I feel like I could go on forever! But it helps me ease some of those negative emotions that crop up sometimes, and if it makes me feel good then so be it."

Megan: "Now, before we wrap up, let’s talk about the newest Twilight book (like we would if we were in high school again). Are you excited and what memories does it bring back for you?!"

Ashley: "Let's pretend we're in high school again talking about it like you said. Picture this: it's late 2007, in gym class, and I still have braces that I just changed my rubber bands to neon pink on. Obviously we're not running tallies because fuck that, and I'm avoiding the internal humiliation of being so bad at gym that we're going to ~escape~ those emotions and discuss how absolutely stupid Bella is and how Edward is amazing in every single way while walking the field house track. Maybe we'll even run the last curve just to look like we're doing something, I don't know, it all depends on how we feel.

I'm excited to see Edward's side of the story because I spent so much time trying to figure out what he saw in Bella, especially after the god awful amazing movies came out and I didn't understand who the hell Kristen Stewart was trying to portray. The biggest memories that come back are the emotions I felt. I don't try so much to remember my specific thoughts, because they'd be so different now having an English degree and having been around teenagers everyday for the last five years, but I definitely remember how I felt about them. I wanted to know all the backstories of the Cullen's, I wanted to live in Forks because the setting had such an ethereal, fantasy feel that I needed to live there. I just remember being so drawn to Edward's old seventeen year old soul (AND AFTER HAVING TAUGHT SEVENTEEN YEAR OLDS THEY ARE NOT OLD AND THEY ARE NOT LIKE THAT.)

 But at fourteen I wanted that drama and toxicity (or what I see as toxicity now) and craved that type of love. Seventeen seemed old enough to have that type of freedom. It was this world that completely blew me away, and being in such a big school I craved something small and unassuming that wouldn't make me feel so anxious. I remember trying to theorize so much about that family and write down so much stuff in that dark green notebook, and every time a new book came out I remember being hungry for every piece of information I could gather on the Cullens' characterization. I remember using it to escape my anxiety of an algebra test. I remember their story inspiring my own creativity. But most of all I remember being happy.

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I want to thank Ashley for taking the time to talk with me about this. I also uncovered a video of us for my sophomore project in 2009. Watch it if you want to see the completely COOL PEOPLE WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL!