Food for Thought

A lot of you read my post a few months ago about how I was diagnosed with diabetes recently. I was having a hard time at first, then I was a bit more in track and losing weight. 

Until I had my doctor's appointment about 2 weeks ago. I had to see my primary doctor as a "diabetes checkup" and for him to tell me my results of my ultrasound I had on my liver. He is normally a very happy-go-lucky doctor and I've been going to him for almost 10 years. 

This appointment was different. He was NOT happy with me. 

"You just have SO much fat around your liver" and "you need to lose 10 percent of your body weight in 3 months" was what I really kept replaying in my head. I went home and sat on my outside chair for 2 hours because I was so upset that HE was upset. My A1C was way down but I was still not in the clear. 

I have a dietitian named Julie. I went in to see her the next day after the (kind of hurtful) appointment. Julie and my doctor work in the same building and they share notes. I walked in to her office and the first thing she said was "I have never seen your doctor so mad before." 

Fast forward to this past week. It was an overwhelming week for me. It was extremely draining via my personal life AND I still had to work on my whole food thing, even though my blood sugar levels are pretty good. I was also overwhelmed with Julie saying everything I was eating was wrong. An orange? Too many carbs to be eaten at a certain meal. Turkey bacon? Not enough protein. 

I JUST COULDN'T WIN! 

So, I stopped. My relationship with food turned a drastic 180. I used to be obsessed with food, now I wanted to puke every night at dinner BECAUSE I was eating. Not because I was full, because I felt guilty. 

In one week, I lost 5.5 pounds. 

Here is what my food diary was:

*Wake up early and drink coffee. If not enough, drink TWO pour over coffees (AKA two very strong cups of coffee).

*Skip breakfast because full of coffee

*Skip lunch because nothing to eat/ full of coffee

*No snacks, unless an apple or an orange

*Have a different dinner every night, mainly with some kind of meat, eat a healthy amount, no going back for extras.

*Eat a coconut ice cream bar, maybe some cheez-its, some dark chocolate that I bought at the store and had to sneak it in my room

*Want to cry because I want to throw up every thing I ate because I feel so guilty and hate myself for eating ANYTHING. 

That isn't healthy, and I know that. But that's what worked, even if for a week. 

I posted on my "Healthy Journey" Instagram about what was happening. I got a friends messaging me and even coming up to me in person saying "hey, you need to tell your dietitian the truth. Talk to her."

I was so afraid Julie would be upset with me. I always took notes when I talked to her and it seemed like everything I've ever learned from her was down the drain because I just...couldn't right now. I know it was only a week (actually, it was a week and a half, but I'm saying a week), but not eating seemed to become a bit normal for me. Of course, I was weak all the time at work and didn't show it, and when it was my break, I would drink a diet Pepsi to get me over this "I need food in my body" hump.

So, I had appointment today via phone call with Julie. She was not upset but WAS upset that I thought she would be upset (LOL). We talked it out and kind of pointed towards my primary doctor going off on me. With me, I feel feelings stronger than most people. That "event" with my doctor turned into a subconscious thing for me. I was trying to do better and lose the weight I had to and when I had to even be around food, it was off limits. Food makes you gain weight. FOOD IS BAD. 

I almost cried during the call. Julie was very understanding and it seemed like she was kind of like walking on eggshells around me, which I actually needed for once in my life. She was very cautious on what to say. She even told me to have a cookie (albeit small) on my birthday! 

We made a constant meal plan. As in, for right now, I will eat the same breakfast and lunch every day (until I get sick of it...). For dinner, as it's always different each day, I WILL have to watch out for what I'm eating. 

But I wanted to write this post because I put on Facebook a "thank you" for everyone who is with me through this journey. I got a surprising amount of private messages and texts saying "hey, I've had a problem with food for years. I know where you're coming from."

It shocked me so much that so many people have a bad relationship with food! For this post, I can't really give advice on this topic, as I'm still struggling myself. But knowing I'm not alone in this makes me feel better. Also, sharing this topic is something that is normally hidden until someone overcomes it. 

I would like to share it while it's happening. 

I'm nothing if not honest :)   

P.S. If you'd like to follow me on Instagram, click HERE